... Downloading upgraded version of Self ....

I have contradictive feelings towards labels of neuro divergence and special needs. Sometimes I wish I had a label, as if it would make my weirdness make more sense in this world, and that maybe I would feel a little more supported and understood and maybe not would have ended up in places, situations and with people I should have walked away from immediately. Or gotten close(r) to.

There's been a lot of sensitivity and pain from, as a child and teenager, origins unknown that I've needed to sit with. Things that have needed time for me to fully grip and have melt into moist fertile ground instead of heard, bitter such. Memories, events, dreams. I have traveled with no plan or "must dos" for months at a time because I've needed to unwind. And sometimes the opposite because hey still functioned/ing from scarcity traumas wounds etc 🥴 But first mentioned most, to unwind alchemize and experience, thank God.

When I've traveled, time spread out and rest like a laying cat stretching out. Relieved sigh. There is spacetime to sit with myself and myself for the time needed, close to bodies of water preferably, or walk rice fields, jungle trekks, paved roads, local neighborhoods. In all kinds of weathers. Why am I like this? Where are the blockages? Why am I feeling like this?

I have been asked to work through a lot, and I did say yes. I said say to my specialness. I did choose to come here as I am, and to experience the height and depth of my personal life's journey and in greater scales. But you know, when you're also imposed that you should be able to keep up with all the things you should be able to keep up with as a rat-race runner whose sociteally entangled and born & raised from Sweden (and is neurotypical); it can get tiring, draining, cortisol-high fast. I simply can't. And along imposed/inherited/trauma response accumulations/disserving belief patterns/perceptions that I've been asked to untangle for myself (and past incarnations), my current bloodline and beyond I just guess I sometimes wish I had a label that I fantizise would somehow make it all a little easier, more digestible. Hence the confliction because would it? Haven't heard of "magic worker, spacetime jumper" label yet so guess my name is enough. It went this way so it went this way.

I'm untangling icky stories, accepting my special nature. Phew. Finding timeline(s) and codes aligned with the needs of I, High I. Letting lower frequencies of regret, shame, anger, frustration be integrated, seen and dealt with. Shit like this take time and it can burn but it is beautiful and non negotiable and goes on. Just because I was messed up certain ways in certain times of my past doesn't mean I'm obliged to continue or disown what happened or anything really. I can just move on and look towards God's light that heavenly shines on my face and into my Heart and remember that I am given what I can handle and that oh yeah, I partake the most in the creating of my life :)

I was sensitive as a child. Energetically and emotionally. I have always been able to project my vibration quite strongly. The whole house could stink up with my anxiety during tough times. "Big energy Dani" (if you've seen me lost in dance perhaps you know). I know I cut myself off from that sensitive part of who I am quite early on because there wasn't space enough for me to be Seen, Heard, Affirmed (middle child with a need to be affirmed and cherished by a father that have found it a little difficult to connect in areas I craved, especially as a child). That wound have affected many areas of my life, especially relations to men and partners as a teenager and young adult.

Plus it was difficult for me to navigate these emotions (internal and externally picked up) so I would try cut off and silence these parts. Not feel Seen and loved as I needed as young me from father, creating a father wound, made me quite emotionless and distant, when in fact the Truth of Me is opposite! This Wound have taken time and naturally is something I'm really looking in the Eye right now.

When I was anorexic, they asked me if I perhaps have light autism, but it couldn't (and didn't) get "examined". I do connect very well with people on the spectrum though and have undeniably many close friends labeled. Maybe also a reason to my contradictive sensations to neurological special needs and labels. "Hey, if we are basically the same, how come they get certain support and not me?" Buhu victim feelz although still real and valid.

My mother assured and explained that I don't need a label, that my specialness is me, unique Me. And that most of us have something, and that I'm obv not really "that bad" to need one, cause you know, I function. And she is right; I think her not diving in to see if I had neurodivergence have made me quite a functional person in society I guess. It has made me strong and I humbly rest in the fact that, you know, I am me and that is unique and cool. What 'functional person' is and explain, feels like wading in water unknown to some extent, because of the functionality of societies, governments and many other webs. Do one even want to be a functional person in this society and where it is headed on many levels? I am playing parts necessary and as authentic as possible in the society stuff, vaguely speaking, but I also see how it's just so fucking sick so much of it.

I'm also mourning. I could get jealous of those that have gotten that possibility to have extra support. Because I was tired. Because something felt off. Because I can't function in this system without sacrifing important, precious parts of myself after some months. Hence hustle, then travel. Now as I'm writing, I can see that I have tried my best with my baggage from accumulation of various things. Tried my best to trust my heart. To not give up. To remember, accept, work and work smart, smarter. Navigate all of thissz with my own raw and wild and open and soft nature (altough we are all unique!). To leave the country, have time for myself to explore 'Other ....... ' and perhaps find some belonging in myself. First travels I was slightly shocked my eating disorders, anxiety and dysfunctional ways of relating joined me because isn't that suppose to stay I'm Sweden as I enjoy my best self abroad? Ah, the young mind 🤭

My devotion to try live a life worth it makes me smile like a mother towards my toddler self. These days toxicity makes troublesome and increasing neurodivergence a real issue. I think and feel, as I've been writing, processing and reading to understand further, that it's not about me needing a label. Definitely not today. It's not about me being lightly autistic and wanting support by the cost of others. It's not about me wanting to belong somewhere. I think what makes me 'autistic' (if anything) is my incapability and unwillingness to be part of and continue feed into, a structure that's not symbiotic and functional. I think what makes me autistic is that I can feel, read, and move with energies in a way that I have actually dumbed down like a dumb blonde for quite some years (in order to feed into a belief pattern that isn't serving at all anymore - now, unlocking superpowers!).

I know writing this has been a big release for me, and connecting some dots even better. Doesn't it all boil down to a two three big thing in one's life that needs regular update (belief patterns and subconscious thoughts and actions) to make sure one is the embodiment of the high octave Self? This was me clearing, bringing up and cleaning up some things. Now I feel drained, like a big sigh came through my body. I will rest well.